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WICKED WISDOM

A feast of women’s wisdom, deliciously wicked and boiled in the broth of collective motherhood
Monday
25Aug

SEXtember 08 Issue MiLK Magazine

William Shatner - on sex and women...

"How far women have come. They used to be objects we just wanted to have sex with. Now they're intelligent, autonomous, powerful things we just wanna have sex with."

(William Shatner as Denny Crane - in TV's Boston Legal)

What? My period just once a year?

Check out this SNL (Saturday Night Live) commercial for Annuale, the pill for women who only want to bleed once a year and don't mind side effects that include axe-wielding, binge-eating, and bestiality, among other things. (At the end of the fauxmercial, a voiceover warns potential consumers: "Do not take Annuale if you plan to ever become pregnant, as it may turn your baby into a firemonster... Notify authorities in your town when your period is imminent as they may want to incarcerate you preemptively like a wolfman.")

Click to view Annuale


Saturday
02Aug

August 08 Issue MiLK Magazine

13 things PMS stands for:

(author: anonymous)
  1. Pass my shotgun
  2. Psychotic mood shift
  3. Perpetual munching spree
  4. Puffy mid-section
  5. People make me sick
  6. Provide me with sweets
  7. Pardon my sobbing
  8. Pimples may surface
  9. Pass my sweat pants
  10. Pissy mood syndrome
  11. Plainly: men suck
  12. Pack my stuff
  13. Potential murder suspect

Bad Mother’s Revenge

I recently picked up a copy of Bad Mother’s Revenge by Sonia Neale. It’s a hoot and kept me laughing out loud for hours. The back cover reads: Here’s a look at some of her ‘frictionary - definitions of maternity’:

Anti-natal - someone who never wants children, not in any circumstances.
Afterpains - The rest of your natural life. Get over it.
Demand feeding - What the rest of your family will do if you’re dumb enough to let them see you anywhere need the kitchen.
Fall-open tubes - Where the ova slide down the chute in order to become little people and, eventually, quite big ones who want to borrow the car and stay out all night.
Hysterectummy - Of course you can’t see the scar; your stomach’s hanging over it.
Midwiffy - The embarrassing moment during labour when you realize that your intense pushing has produced something other than a newborn healthy baby.
Placentered - Placid and centred parents who plan on either frying the afterbirth with some broccoli while eating eat while imbibing a nice bottle of chianti, or digging it into the soil around their favourite rosebush.
Uncontrolled crying - What mothers do on a regular basis.

And here’s one of my favourites ...
A pregnant pause - The length of time between a stranger asking, ‘When is your baby due?’ and your reply that you are NOT. ACTUALLY. PREGNANT.

Tuesday
24Jun

July 08 Issue MiLK Magazine

Survivor Dads or Not?

If you haven’t managed to devour the latest ‘Survivor Series’ email, check it out...

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and three kids each for six weeks…
Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with jewelry, wear  STRONG, uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up

The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right to be called Mother!